Warm Dull-lights

Hey girls!

We apologize for the delay of this post, but the threat of the H1N1 virus kept us locked within our respective gayborhoods. We now feel safe to venture out and enjoy life's little pleasures again.

After months of epicurious anticipation, Gayvorites has finally bulged to indulge. Yes, it's true folks, we took the plunge and purchased some of Betty Crocker's finest product, Warm Delights. For those of you not familiar, Warm Delights: instant microwaveable dessert snack bowls that come in a multitude of flavors, complete with an astronaut-chic chocolate drizzle packet, perfectly packaged for:

g. the lonely stay-at-home mom.

a. the single woman who's "ready to put herself back out there, right after that 'Friends' rerun"

y. Our tried and true lesbians.

Historically, Warm Delights have been consumed over the kitchen sink whilst contemplating whether zinnia or mulberry based birdseed will attract that elusive purple finch you've been hoping to cross off your bird-of-the-month checklist.

In spite of these barriers, Gayvorites soldiered on in our never-ending quest to debunk queer myths. We stopped by our gayvorite aisle (baking needs), and snagged not only the classic fudge brownie flavor, but the equally "sinful" chocolate chip. You'll be happy to know that the Gayvorites Team resisted the temptation of the two-in-one 150 calorie mini combos (being a newer item, the flavor selection was not quite as broad).

We're not quite sure what went wrong. We were posed over the kitchen sink. We had Obsessed illegally cued in the DVD player, while Micheal Bublé serenaded our arduous preparation tactics. We even had Crystal Light chasers ready to go. We were left with just one question: why the FUCK did it taste like Little Debbie with a bad case of emphysema? This was a brownie nightmare that not even Entermann's could remedy. After the initial disappointment, we were in for a worse fate when we were hit like a semi truck by the aftertaste of soapy residue from a not-fully-rinsed-out-coffee-cup.

Hard to believe that this is considered the high point of some women's days. Then again, when Tivo forgets to record Regis and Kelly during your kid's orthodontist appointment, what more is there to look forward to?

The Bottom line: Three minutes away from heaven? More like three minutes away from heaving.

Pairs Well With: "Must Love Dogs" and a heaping pile of despair.

Rating: Julia Child flips her shit in the afterlife, and not because of the upcoming summer blockbuster, "Julie & Julia".

Cupcakes to Die-Cut For

Hey girls,

Spring has finally sprouted her virginal little head and you know what that means! PTA bake sales and garden parties. We know what you're thinking - when you've pulled every trick Good Housekeeping has to offer, how are you going to outbake that bitch next-door again this year? How does a true domestic goddess ensure that the cuteness of her confections will be the envy of your next girl's luncheon that will leave them begging the question "just how does she do it!?"

Worry no more - Gayvorites has just the solution. We've unearthed a secret weapon of sorts - a showstopper to end all showstoppers, a gayesthic tour-de-force that has potential to outgay anything sold on aisle 7. With the economy being what it is and the encroachment of swine flu, we're feeling generous and have decided to share our Dirty Little Secret. Drum roll please....

Enter the laser-cut cupacke wrapper! Be sure to thank us.








The Bottom Line: Martha Stewart rediscovers the power, and ultimate queerness of laser technology.

Rating: Moulin Rouge on Blu- Ray.

The Beader of the Pack

All right everyone, it's time for some female empowerment around here! That's right, Gayvorites is going lesbo for the day. Ladies, we know you have it tough right now. Lindsay and Sam just broke up, we haven't seen Ellen and Portia's honeymoon photos yet, the L Word is off the air AND Ilene Chaiken isn't even coming to your town. Sucks to be a dyke right about now, right? Wrong! If you're feeling down in the dumps, clearly you've forgotten about that little lesbian watering hole known as...the bead store.


We know how you love to be unique and counter-culture, and nothing portrays that image more than a hand beaded piece of jewelery. Your local bead store has everything you need to rock out at the next pride fest (and, for the more lucrative lesbian, make a few extra bucks. Spread your wares on a 100% natural fiber alpaca wool blanket with all the other vendors, and you're in business!) Any good bead store will have our favorite extra chunky unfinished wood pieces, some polymer clay (string them in rainbow order, and you've got yourself an essential cliche item of the dyke dress code!) and of course, let us not forget turquoise.

Turquoise is ideal because it shows off your earth-mother, environmentally conscious side while being classy enough for the power lesbians to pull off in an important business meeting. See the excellent and timely usage by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano below. Notice how the extra long dangling strand offsets the coming onslaught of swine flu.


Good to Know: In this economy, making your own jewelry is not only resourceful, but so much lez expensive.

The Bottom Line: Turquoise rules as the "tough woman" of semi-precious stones.

Rating: Bette and Tina moving back in together.

4/20 Top 10

Hey girls!

In the spirit of 4/20, we thought it appropriate to do some careful analysis of one of our gayvorite drug smuggling MILFs, Nancy Botwin. Without further ado we present...

The Top 10 Reasons Why Nancy Botwin Pisses Us Off!

10. Money problems? Quit the iced-mochas and sell the hybrid.

9. Forget the security of her "real job." No matter what, Nancy insists on putting her family in danger because she just "really wants to deal."

8. "Mrs. Botwin" still refers to herself as "Mommy" when talking to her 13-year-old son. Cue Shane's Oedipal complex.

7. Nancy somehow never manages to solve any of her problems using wit or resourcefulness, unless you count resourcefulness as spreading your legs and forgetting the rest.

6. Nancy is still peddling the “poor-old-unfortunate-hot-widow” act, even though she should have dropped it after she started selling to kids and then kind of admitted she didn't really love her dead husband anymore.

5. She actually let Mary Kate "E.T." Olsen handle her drugs.

4. Even if parental absenteeism is one of the show’s punches, Nancy's questionable parenting puts Hamlet’s Gertrude to shame.

3. We're practically forced to flirt with Nancy's naughty bits every episode of Season 4, as those god-awful-round-the-neck-Fashion Bug “dresses” she wears constantly threatens to reveal her breezy, California muff.

2. After two seasons of having to communicate in Spanish, the only three things she can say are “no hablo espagnol”, “Guillermo” and “mota."

1. Face it, no matter how much Nancy annoys us, the show is really about Celia, so stepthefuckaside bitch!

The Bottom Line: Parker should have left her green thumb at "Fried Green Tomatoes."

Rating: Taking your boyfriend to a Scissor Sisters concert.

Look - at least Nance holds iced-coffee the Gayvorite way. 5 pts to Gryffindor.

SOS - Save Our Shania!

Last Seen : June, 2006

Good evening ladies and gentlereaders,

Here at Gayvorites, we've been distressed since we realized that something was missing from our lives. Much like a chicken noticing that all of her feathers have suddenly disappeared! That thing: Shania Twain.

We have approximately seventy-five words for you, Shania, but we'll boil it down to five- WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! You know what don't impress us much? YOU - becoming a star and stealing our hearts, then disappearing to a french château with some beau named Mutt. How many bon-bons can you continue to eat and not be bored already? Your happiness is not going to keep us warm in the middle of the night! So, Shania, get the Faith Hill-turned-Britney Spears Make-Over and hit the US for a tour that has potential to fail horribly.

We know this this may sound harsh, but you're still the one and we just want you back UP! and running!

Exhibit gAy: Faith Hill as Hot-Tranny-Mess-Britney Spears-Hybrid

The Bottom Line: She raised her brother and sister by herself, she deserves to be at her leisure!

Mood: Missing the ironic sass of "That Don't Impress Me Much"

On How to Hold an Iced Coffee (the gayvorite way)

1. Assume the "Position" (your cup must be 7/8 empty)

2. The "Hey..." (for when you see a frienemy on the street)

3. The "Get the Fuck Out of the Way Bitch, You're Blocking My Goddamn Sun"

Rating: Celine Dion Live in Las Vegas

Good to Know: Those judgmental "last sip" noises are louder in your head.

The Bottom Line: With skim milk and two Splenda, who needs a Coach bag to let people know you're a bitch?

All Comfy and Tea- Cozy

Hey girls!

For our first post, we would like to get things off with an ode of sorts, a dedication if you will. Lets give a warm, heart-felt <bienvenue> for our gayvorite thing that started it all. That's right, you guessed it, the knitted tea cozy! We observed this fine specimen in action at a local cafe, while a clone was being knit, right there on the same vintage mahogany table (late Georgian, circa 1820) where the original was resting.

Out thoughts? Pure aesthetic orgasm. Far superior to those unsightly cardboard coffee cup warmers, this little snuggler fits right around your own personal cup! In just a weekend, you could shear your own sheep, cart your wool, dye it a ghastly shade of olive green, spin it, knit it, and have it packed in your Prada bag, ready to lose its' tea-ginity on your Monday morning commute! Talk about eco-friendly! Whether playing it cool at your local fair trade java nook or rushing through your gayvorite corporate coffee chain (*cough Starbucks cough*) this fun, fiber-filled condom is sure to keep your Jasmine tea steaming, ready to scorch your lovely little pout!!!!!!!!

So, that being said, we implore you: trash your traveler's coffee mug today and support your local artisans by purchasing a lovely hand-thrown vessel to act as a mannequin to your gorgeou new cozy. Come on ladies, didn't you learn anything from Joan? You don't hang your Bergdorf on a wire hanger- you just don't! And don't even get us started on Cartier in a cigar box!

Rating: Naked Marilyn on rabbit fur staircase.



P.S. Note the luggage for the girl-on-the-go!