Lesbians have long found solace in sports icons such as the Williams sisters, Mia Hamm and Flo Jo. Look at how many athlesbians there are in softball alone: Ashley Charters, from Beaverton, OR, or Kaitlin Cochran (as in, she ran from the cock), or Cat Osterman (might as well be Oyster-man) or Caitlin Lowe, member of NPF Pride, and of course, let us not forget, glorious, glorious, glorious Jennie Finch.
However, despite the caliber of these toned hotties, it’s always nice to find some new pretty thing to look at, and beach volleyball has some untapped potential. Not to mention the fact that two lesbians are always better than one. So we decided to search for a lesbian powerhouse volleyball duo. We NEEDED a lesbian powerhouse volleyball duo. And that's where Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh came in.
Let's look at the facts. Misty Erie Elizabeth May Treanor (and yes folks, that is her real name according to Wikipedia) was born to a red-blooded, sports-playing father named Butch (a name which May have decided Misty's future). It's a little known fact that Misty May and Kerri faced off against each other on the high school volleyball circuit. Did their eyes meet across the court? Did they know of the greatness that would later come, and come hard?
A few years down the line, in 2000, Walsh missed several of the first games of the Olympics because a drug test came back with suspicious levels of testosterone, which may or may not signal some…you know…masculine qualities. Not long after that, she fatefully auditioned to be Treanor's partner and the two have been throwing bitches down in the sand together ever since. Ironically, the very same day that this dykey duo paired up, Walsh met her future "husband." And he's a MALE VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. We here at Gayvorites have never heard of a beard growing so fast. Shit, that doesn't just work out, it's way too convenient for both sides. Remember Dana and her "straight guy" tennis partner in the first season of The L Word?
Back to business. The pair dominated the beach so much that they might as well have just busted out the whips and chains and gotten the BDSM over with. In 2004, they won the gold at Athens without losing a single match, after which May-Treanor scattered her mother's Angela’s ashes all over the Frank McCourt. In other words the volleyball court serves as litter box for this pussy to dump her old business.
Before the Beijing Olympics, the two were riding high on a winning streak of an unheard of 101 matches and 18 tournaments. Upon their win in Beijing, Misty repeated her ash ritual, and then announced that she and Kerri were ready to have babies. It can be assumed that they meant together.
But we know that all good things, like gay programming on Showtime, eventually come to an end. Walsh and May-Treanor lost to Nicole Branagh and Elaine Youngs. However, this loss was nothing compared to the devastation of being beaten into submission by the next "It" power lesbian beach volleyball duo, April Ross and Jennifer Boss. Not only does this new duo also include a lady named after a month,” but their last names rhyme. It doesn't get much dykier than that, though Misty and Kerri sure made a good run at it. After this trauma, the the original duo went back to their husbands, Misty appeared on Dancing with the Stars, and Kerri got knocked up.
If you still need further convincing that May-Treanor is an A-1 muff diver, Gayvorites has compiled an annotated “best of” list from Misty May’s Facebook status updates proving her allegiance to The Home Depot and Lilith Fair.
l. "Going to Wild Rivers today. Taking my God daughter and her sister. So fun, haven't been there since high school." (Lesbians naturally revisit their “old stomping grounds.”)
e. "Breaks my heart watching what illegal whaling does. Go Sea Shepard!!! Stop the whaling. Reasearch....my butt." (Lesbians fantasy: Spelling errors and protecting large sea mammals.)
s. "Kerri and I shot with Shaq today, what a great individual one of the nicest, down to earth, and fun loving people. What an Awesome day"! (Lesbians don’t discriminate. They love all sports equally.)
b. "Took a hula lesson this morning. I will leave Hawaii tonight, boo hoo!" (Lesbians love grass.)
i. "At the car wash. Rub-a-dub-dub my car gets a scrub!" (Lesbians enjoy getting their Volvos soaked.)
a. "Splurged and just had a bittersweet truffle and hot apple cider at Gayle's Chocolates in Royal Oak." (If it has mulling spices, lesbians will drink it)
n. "Watching Deadliest Catch...such a gnarly job, it keeps me on the edge of my seat." (Lesbians deserve to know where their seared tuna comes from.)
s. "Kicked my own booty at the gym today, I am getting pretty good at jump roping." (Lesbians would give their best summer squash for anything involving a good cardio workout. Extra lez points for using the word “booty”)
Learn Volleyball Vocab: BALL HANDLING ERROR, CAMPFIRE, STUFF, TUNA, PENETRATION, ATTACK, KILL, HIT, DIVE, DEEP DISH, FISH, SIZZLE THE PITS, SHANK, WHALE
The Bottom Line: They wear Nautica bikinis. Enough said.
Rating: Kiera Knightly’s class ten underbite.
No comments:
Post a Comment