As we live in such a competitive world, Gayvorites constantly stresses to our employees the importance of professional practice and development. When you’re part of the global treasure known as the blogosphere, it is essential to be proficient in shameless self-promotion and guerilla marketing tactics that keep you on top. To promote this initiative, the entire Gayvorites staff attended a mandatory weekend blogging convention in Tucson, for fresh ideas and general schmoozing. There we rubbed elbows with some of the hottest names in the blogging industry and scored some impressive contacts for our Rolodex. Among them was Boston based lesbian blogger, Dykachino, known for her daily ruminations on last season’s baseball stats, butch bargains and gas-station coffee. After swapping blogging tips and tricks, Dykachino revealed that she had been a Gayvorites reader since 1997, and has always dreamed of writing for us some day! Inspired by the revamped Make-A-Wish campaign, Gayvorites decided to go the extra mile to make dreams a reality for our readership. We presented our new colleague/fan an opportunity of a lifetime – a feature article. After fainting into a nearby faux-fichus, Dykachino gladly accepted and quickly left the convention to start brainstorming. We now present you with the musings of our hardened java lovin’ lez...
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If you have ever read David Sedaris, you may have noticed that the title of this post is an homage to his book Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. Now I’ll admit I’m not one to read books, unless they’re written by Chelsea Handler (queen of sexcapades and lover of midgets), and as of now I’ve read all two books that she has to offer. While I wait for book number three to “hit the shelves”, I find myself drifting back to the work of my man main Dave, in the familiar way that my taste buds crave the zest of my gayvorite ol’ standby: chipotle seasoned, southwestern style dressing.
It was a couple of weeks ago when I had an epiphany. Lean Cuisine had just launched a new commercial, Mimi had just released the first single since her Emancipation, and everything was gAy-OK. I was busy singing along to “Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Obsessed” when the aforementioned commercial stopped me dead in my tracks. Let me set the scene…Three stylish moms on the go make a spontaneous pit stop at the mall to do some afternoon shopping. While riding the escalator to the second floor, likely in search of Ann Taylor Loft, they discuss what they had for dinner the night before. Mom # 2 closes her eyes as she slowly recalls the mouthwatering taste of her Lean Cuisine “Baja Style” Chicken Quesadilla, complete with roasted corn and melted cheese. My body began to tingle all over, the same way it did after I saw Indigo Girls in concert for the first time. I wanted it, I needed it, I had to have it. It was then that I realized, I will eat ANYTHIING as long as its name includes Baja and/or Southwest.
The ladies of Lean Cuisine. Notice the subtle primary color palette.
I’d like to think that me fancying these flavors is a representation of my class and sophistication, a result of my worldly travel and cultural experiences, but let’s face it girls, the farthest this bitch has ever traveled is Florida…or Mississippi (I’m not sure which is farther, probably because I don’t read enough, and David and Chels have never mentioned this in a
ny of their writing.) I’m not even sure which geographical location constitutes as Baja and or Southwestern anyway. These two terms being a little less self-explanatory than, say, my good friend “Tex-Mex”. Do they mean the Southwestern part of the U S of A, which includes but is not limited to Southern California, Arizona, and New Mexico? (Yes, this being a research based blog, I Googled.) This question is likely one that will remain unanswered in my book, a sort of magical food mystery. Partly because I wanted to Ask Jeeves, but in this economy I think he has been laid off, and partly because it doesn’t really matter where the he
ll it comes from. Thus, I will attribute my love affair to what I like to call an “Evolution of the Palette.” And here’s how it happened…
During my elementary years, I spent the days dunking my dino-shaped chicken nuggets in to BBQ sauce, playing it on the safe side with that hickory-smoked goodness. I would then digest my savory meal with an after dinner romp on the Burger King jungle gym (which I’m sure has since been eliminated due to multiple lawsuits.)
A heaping pile of dinosaur nuggets. Where’s the BBQ?!
As you may imagine, during my teenage years I was always looking to take a walk on the wild side. The sauce that answered my calling was a tangy, orange concoction, derived from Cayenne Pepper. Yes, I’m referring to that of the classic college fave, buffalo sauce. My attitude was that a of a frat brother's, proud pledge of Kappa Kappa HOTT, Brotherhood of Buffalo, proud partner of Alpha Blue Cheese. However, I quickly grew tired of my peers trying to prove their machismo over wings. Who could endure more spice? Who cares? I was sick of watching people break a sweat eating dinner, so there I was, left with one hand in my pocket, and the other on a celery stick.
Typical Kappa Kappa HOTT. Guess who’s ass WONT be burning later? Mine. I quit!
During my college years I didn’t completely stray away from the classic buffalo chicken wing, however, I was open to new alternatives. I’ll let you in on a little secret - the aftermath of a basket O’ buff wings from Dominoes was a gassy and sassy one, and how do you expect me to expand my new circle of friends if I was full of shit?! Enter DJ Baja Fresh!
I know that some of you readers at home may be getting frustrated, especially if you are still stuck in Phase 1 or 2 of this evolutionary journey. But don’t get ants in your pants just yet! I want to help make the Baja/Southwestern transition as smooth as possible for you all. I advise you to just let nature take its course, (for those of you who just ate wings for dinner this may happen sooner than others) but if you just can’t wait, I have some suggestions…
g. Subway’s Chipotle Southwest Sauce: I would bathe in this stuff if I could. But this could get messy, not to mention, expensive. After all, this is no regular dressing, not to be found on the shelves of your local Super Stop & Shop. It is my guess that only Jared (Subway's original cover girl) knows how to get his hands on this coveted culinary creation. Then again, he’s lost so many lbs, that these days I bet he sticks to oil & vinegar on his footlongs.
a. Lean Cuisine’s Southwest-style Chicken Panini: This is the dish I just keep coming back to. I like to think of it as my loyal lunchtime delight, the golden retriever of sandwiches. The revolutionary tray grills the sandwich IN THE MICROWAVE! (chew on that Warm Dull-lights)! I assure you that this panini will have you feeling as if you’re dining outside a chic café in Southern California, even if you’re consuming while watching Passions in your sweaty dorm room.
y. Cheesecake Factory’s Baja Chicken Tacos: By far the classiest of the three (pairs well with a strawberry lemonade on the rocks). I suggest taking a date here to impress them with your mature taste, or to convert potential followers into full fledged Chipotle devotees.
I could invest more of my time and energy researching the origins of this delightful dressing, but I’d rather hop in my Subaru Baja and cruise over to my local Barnes & Noble to see if Ms. Handler’s gotten her shit together yet.
The Bottom Line: If more books had baja and/or southwest in the title I just might have been a literary genius.
Rating: Cynthia Nixon puts a ring on it.
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